An Autism or ADHD diagnosis can be difficult to come to terms with. You may be coping with a condition you know very little about, and trying to find new ways for everyone to live together and feel supported.
Should I tell my child about their autism or ADHD diagnosis? The answer to this question is easy: Yes. Yes. YES. There are many reasons for this, including:
Getting rid of negative labels. Our children (regardless of age) have an awareness of their struggles. They have a sense of what comes easily to them and what doesn’t. If we do not provide them with nonjudgmental language to describe their challenges, they will likely use more negative language. “I was born with a different kind of brain, and it’s called autism/ADHD” is infinitely better than “I’m stupid,” “I’m not likable,” “I’m weird,” “I’m bad,” or the countless other irrational things that kids say to themselves when they don’t have more appropriate language.
Self-compassion. Once they understand that “it’s not my fault,” kids/teens/adults can forgive themselves, stop blaming themselves, and start the healing process.
Providing a foundation for self-advocacy. We all hope that our children become strong self-advocates as they mature, particularly our kids who have challenges. The first step to self-advocacy is insight. Teaching them what kind of brain they have will give them that self-awareness and insight.
Creating a new option for a sense of belonging. I have yet to meet a kid (or adult) who does not yearn for a sense of belonging. The way to belong to a group is to have something in common, and providing kids with another way to connect with people similar to them is a gift.
Basic respect. After all, if I knew something important about you, wouldn’t you want me to tell you?
Moving on from a diagnosis can seem daunting, but I am here to help. This guide explores support available after your child’s diagnosis.
When should I tell my child?
This is your decision. Some parents tell their children about their diagnosis when they're quite young (primary school age), as their son or daughter becomes aware of their differences and starts to ask questions. Other parents wait until their child is slightly older, as they feel they will understand the diagnosis better. You may want to ask your child’s psychologist to support you with your decision and approach.
What Do I Tell My Child About Their Diagnosis?
The next question parents often ask is, “What exactly do I say?”
Meet them where they’re at. OK, that sentence isn’t grammatically correct, but it’s still good advice! Start with your child’s questions, concerns, or observations.
Educate. I strongly prefer to talk about these things as different brain styles (which they are) rather than diagnoses. Teach your child that they were simply born with a different kind of brain. This makes some things easier than for most people, and it can make some things harder.
Normalize. Talk about famous people who are autistic or have ADHD and/or family members who might be. Share success stories of relevant neurodivergent people.
Highlight their strengths. Be prepared with lots of them! Not just what they happen to be good at in school but also qualities like their work ethic, compassion, sense of humor, moral compass, resilience, etc.
Validate. Don’t expect any particular response. Some kids will ask a lot of questions, while others will be quiet. Some will be relieved, while others might be concerned. No matter how your child responds, let them know that it is OK!
Empower. Give your child control over who they tell. Encourage them to learn more through books, (appropriate) websites, and discussions with adults at home or school. Remind them that we don’t get to choose what type of brain we have, but we do get to choose what to do with it!
How should I tell my child?
There isn't one 'right' way to tell your child about their diagnosis. However, here are some points to consider.
Who is the best person in the family to help bring up the subject? If your child is comfortable with a grandparent or aunt, it might be a good idea to get them involved too.
Choose a moment when you're both in a calm mood and in a familiar place where you both feel comfortable. Autistic children can find it difficult to process new information, especially if they're feeling anxious, stressed or are in an unfamiliar environment.
Try to make sure you won't be interrupted. Your child may need time to think about what you're saying or to ask questions.
One of the ways some parents start a conversation about autism is to talk first about differences. For example, you could write a list of family members' strengths and weaknesses, then talk about what your child is good at and what they find difficult. You could point out that there is a name to this particular pattern of strengths and weaknesses. Your child may have met other autistic people. You could explain that although autistic people have some things in common, they are all different.
You may want to use a book that you can read together and it may spark some questions and interesting talking points, e.g. All Cats Are on the Autism Spectrum (Hardcover, Illustrated edition) by Kathy Hoopmann
There are many books written to help you as a parent, a few of my favorites, AuSome Books.
You can also check out this 100-ish Inclusive Children's Books on Autism and Neurodiversity from Not an Autism Mom.
How might my child react?
Your child may be pleased that they now have a better understanding of themselves and they may find the diagnosis validating and a relief from trying to "fit in" and feeling "othered". Realizing that neurodiversity is normal and they have a neuro-tribe and neuro-kin that they can relate to and identify with can be wonderful and very affirming.
Some children will become concerned that there is something seriously wrong with them which will affect their health. You may need to emphasize that autism and ADHD is not a disease and no one can die from it, it cannot be fixed or cured, but it can be supported. Autism and ADHD are life-long conditions but with the right support, neurodivergent people can absolutely thrive. It may be that your child needs some additional support and have co-occurring conditions like ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, Learning Differences (e.g. Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Dysgraphia, Dyscalculia, other Language Processing Differences), Tourette's, Gender Diversity, etc.
Be there if your child wants to talk or ask questions. Some children may not want to ask questions face to face. Having a question box, diary or email system can make it easier for some children to ask personal questions. It also gives them more time to process your answer or think of other questions.
What if my child wants to meet other ND children?
Some children find it helpful to meet other neurodivergent children and to learn that they are not alone. Look for local support groups for neurodivergent families in your area, and in your homeschool community, e.g. we have a support group for Hermanus/Overberg Area. You can also contact your local Neurodiversity Centre branch and enquire about ways to connect with other neurodivergent children and families.
How should I tell my other children?
If you have other children, you may want to talk to them separately about your child's diagnosis. You will probably explain things differently depending on their ages.
Siblings might feel that your autistic child takes a lot of your time and attention. When possible:
help siblings to better understand their brother or sister and their needs
make time for siblings
do some activities separately
allow siblings to have time to themselves, e.g. a sleepover at a friend’s home
allow siblings to bring their own friends home sometimes and enjoy themselves without interruption
listen to their worries and concerns and the things that are important to them
listen to their ideas - older children may have good ideas about how best to manage certain situations. If they have a good relationship with their autistic brother or sister, they may be able to ask them to do things that you can’t.
Support for your child
Your child is the same person they have always been. Now that you know they are autistic, or have ADHD, you can begin to better understand their needs, arrange the right support and help them to maximize their potential and put accommodations in place to help them thrive.
This is important for neurodivergent children, who can benefit from appropriate, sometimes intensive, support from an early age. It’s also important for families, who may benefit from services such as short breaks.
A diagnosis can help your child to get neurodivergent-specific support, but this doesn’t happen automatically and may require some effort from the parent to reach out and create a support network for your family. It all depends on what support and accommodations your child needs to thrive, and if there are any other co-occurring conditions that may also need support. Some families make use of the Neurodiversity Centre and their multidisciplinary team of service providers, e.g. Clinical Psychologist (Therapeutic Support), Educational Psychologist (Scholastic Assessment, identify Learning Differences), Occupational Therapist (Executive Functioning Support), Speech Therapist (Language Processing and Learning Differences), Psychiatrist, Pediatrician, etc. Some children may need medication as support and others don't, it is very important to consult a pediatrician or child/teen psychiatrist that specializes in neurodiversity.
Psycho-education is very important, for you as a family to embrace and celebrate your child's neuro-type. You can start with this Neurodiversity Info, available on my website for free, that explain your child's neuro-type and in what ways they may be different from neurotypical children.
Your child may also need specific support in education and you as a homeschooling parent may need guidance in how to choose a neurodivergent-friendly curriculum, how to create a neurodivergent-friendly homeschool environment, and what support and accommodations to put in place for your child. See this comprehensive online training program that I created specifically to empower parents to do this: Homeschooling with Neurodivergency: Helpful Info & Tools for Parents
Looking after yourself
It will take time to learn how to help your child and family cope with day-to-day life. You have the right to feel annoyed or frustrated. It’s hard to remain positive when things don’t go as planned and it is natural to feel upset. Be kind to yourself.
Try to get some time on your own to relax, even if it is just to walk the dog or do the washing up, and try not to feel guilty about doing this. Everyone deserves some time out to recharge the batteries. Try to find a parent support group, and other neurodivergent families and parents to connect with, that will help normalize your child's differences and also provide friends that understand and support you as a family, without judgement.
Invest in some training courses for yourself, you may find some helpful online training courses on this website to empower and equip you. You can find out more info on various topics in my Lost & Found Blog as well as ND-friendly homeschooling info and resources.
Another great resource is the Neurodiversity Centre's educational talks, for further info you can also purchase their Info Talk "Disclosing a diagnosis to the child and their peers".
Conclusion
Telling your child about their autism or ADHD diagnosis is crucial for their well-being and self-understanding. By providing nonjudgmental language, you can help them reframe their challenges in a positive light and foster self-compassion. Sharing the diagnosis empowers them to become self-advocates and opens the door to finding a sense of belonging among others with similar experiences.
When discussing the diagnosis, choose the right moment and let the conversation flow naturally. Be honest, calm, and confident in your approach. Address your child's questions and concerns, highlighting their strengths and celebrating their unique qualities. Normalize the diagnosis by sharing stories of successful neurodivergent individuals and validate whatever response your child has.
Remember, you are giving your child the gift of self-awareness and insight. Empower them to decide whom they want to share their diagnosis with and encourage further learning. By approaching the conversation with understanding and support, you can lay the foundation for your child's self-acceptance, resilience, and a bright future filled with opportunities.
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