As homeschoolers we often get this question from well-meaning friends and relatives at nauseam, "but what about socialization...?". Their concern is valid, but the narrative of unsocialized homeschoolers with no social skills is also a harmful stereotype, and just not true.
People are different and that is okay, some are highly social and some are not, for some of us people give us energy and for some of us peopling drain all our energy and we may need some alone time to recover afterwards. Some kids may feel more lonely in a crowd (or a big school) and be perfectly happy when they are on their own, with their tribe, or with loved ones and their family. Some kids may constantly nag you for play dates and to spend time with friends and they will engage with a lot of extracurricular homeschool activities.
That does not mean that some of our homeschooled kids (like all kids) may not struggle at times during their social-emotional development and with their psycho-social wellness:
There may be social injury from e.g. bullying and school trauma and that may be the main reason why you started homeschooling.
There may be social differences, e.g. neurodivergent kids that are Autistic or have ADHD, or just being introverted with a low social capacity, or being a highly sensitive person with sensory processing differences, that makes them feel "othered".
Your child may have a disability that creates social barriers for them.
You may be more isolated because you live on a farm, or because of chronic illness in the family, the loss of a loved one, some kind of trauma or relocation to a new town, etc.
They may struggle during the teenage and young adult years to form healthy social bonds (like all kids) and to form an intimate, loving relationship or to find their tribe; and that may cause them to feel isolated or lonely.
Your teen may struggle with their mental health, according to the World Health Organization, one in seven (14%) of 10-19 year old kids experience a mental illness.
Let's delve deeper into psycho-social development and the necessary conditions for flourishing at different life stages. It is important to remember that the psycho-social stages offer only one viewpoint on personality development. While certain research may support particular aspects of this theoretical framework, it does not mean that all aspects of the theory are scientifically validated. Nonetheless, this theory can be a valuable resource for reflecting on the various challenges and hurdles individuals face during their life experiences.
Erikson's 8 Psycho-Social Stages of Development
Source credit: VeryWell / Joshua Seong
Erik Erikson was an ego psychologist who developed one of the most popular and influential theories of development. Erikson was interested in how social interaction and relationships played a role in the development and growth of human beings.
The stages that make up his theory are as follows:
Stage 1: Trust vs. Mistrust (Infancy from birth to 18 months)
Stage 2: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (Toddler years from 18 months to three years)
Stage 3: Initiative vs. Guilt (Preschool years from three to five)
Stage 4: Industry vs. Inferiority (Middle school years from six to 11)
Stage 5: Identity vs. Confusion (Teen years from 12 to 18)
Stage 6: Intimacy vs. Isolation (Young adult years from 18 to 40)
Stage 7: Generativity vs. Stagnation (Middle age from 40 to 65)
Stage 8: Integrity vs. Despair (Older adulthood from 65 to death)
Click Play and watch this short video (2 min) on Erik Erikson's Life Stages:
Conflict During Each Stage
Each stage in Erikson's theory builds on the preceding stages and paves the way for following periods of development. In each stage, Erikson believed people experience a conflict that serves as a turning point in development.
In Erikson's view, these conflicts are centered on either developing a psychological quality or failing to develop that quality. During these times, the potential for personal growth is high but so is the potential for failure.
If people successfully deal with the conflict, they emerge from the stage with psychological strengths that will serve them well for the rest of their lives. If they fail to deal effectively with these conflicts, they may not develop the essential skills needed for a strong sense of self.
Mastery Leads to Ego Strength
Erikson also believed that a sense of competence motivates behaviors and actions. Each stage in Erikson's theory is concerned with becoming competent in an area of life. If the stage is handled well, the person will feel a sense of mastery, which is sometimes referred to as ego strength or ego quality. If the stage is managed poorly, the person will emerge with a sense of inadequacy in that aspect of development.
Psycho-Social Stages of Development
Age | Conflict | Important Events | Outcome |
|---|---|---|---|
Infancy (birth to 18 months) | Trust vs. Mistrust | Feeding | Hope |
Early Childhood (2 to 3 years) | Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt | Toilet Training | Will |
Preschool (3 to 5 years) | Initiative vs. Guilt | Exploration | Purpose |
School Age (6 to 11 years) | Industry vs. Inferiority | School | Confidence |
Adolescence (12 to 18 years) | Identity vs. Role Confusion | Social Relationships | Fidelity |
Young Adulthood (19 to 40 years) | Intimacy vs. Isolation | Relationships | Love |
Middle Adulthood (40 to 65 years) | Generativity vs. Stagnation | Work and Parenthood | Care |
Maturity (65 to death) | Ego Integrity vs. Despair | Reflection on Life | Wisdom |
The Teen & Young Adult Years
Lets have a closer look at the teen and young adult years, these are stages 5 and 6.
Adolescence (12 to 18 years)
Stage 5: Identity vs. Role Confusion
The fifth psychosocial stage takes place during the often turbulent teenage years. This stage plays an essential role in developing a sense of personal identity which will continue to influence behavior and development for the rest of a person's life. Teens need to develop a sense of self and personal identity. Success leads to an ability to stay true to yourself, while failure leads to role confusion and a weak sense of self.
During adolescence, children explore their independence and develop a sense of self and their personal identity.
Those who receive proper encouragement and reinforcement through personal exploration will emerge from this stage with a strong sense of self and feelings of independence and control. Those who remain unsure of their beliefs and desires will feel insecure and confused about themselves and the future.
What Is Identity?
When psychologists talk about identity, they are referring to all of the beliefs, ideals, and values that help shape and guide a person's behavior. Completing this stage successfully leads to fidelity, which Erikson described as an ability to live by society's standards and expectations.
While Erikson believed that each stage of psychosocial development was important, he placed a particular emphasis on the development of ego identity. Ego identity is the conscious sense of self that we develop through social interaction and becomes a central focus during the identity versus confusion stage of psychosocial development.
According to Erikson, our ego identity constantly changes due to new experiences and information we acquire in our daily interactions with others. As we have new experiences, we also take on challenges that can help or hinder the development of identity.
Our personal identity gives each of us an integrated and cohesive sense of self that endures through our lives. Our sense of personal identity is shaped by our experiences and interactions with others, and it is this identity that helps guide our actions, beliefs, and behaviors as we age.
Young Adulthood (19 to 40 years)
Stage 6: Intimacy vs. Isolation
Young adults need to form intimate, loving relationships with other people. Success leads to strong relationships, while failure results in loneliness and isolation. This stage covers the period of early adulthood when people are exploring personal relationships.
Erikson believed it was vital that people develop close, committed relationships with other people. Those who are successful at this step will form relationships that are enduring and secure.
Successful resolution of this stage results in the virtue known as love. It is marked by the ability to form lasting, meaningful relationships with other people.
Building On Earlier Stages
Remember that each step builds on skills learned in previous steps. Erikson believed that a strong sense of personal identity was important for developing intimate relationships. Studies have demonstrated that those with a poor sense of self tend to have less committed relationships and are more likely to struggler with emotional isolation, loneliness, depression, and other mental illnesses or mental disorders.
What if my teen is struggling with their mental health?
It is common for teens to experience mental health issues, e.g. Anxiety, Depression (Suicide Ideation and Self-harm), Body Shaming (Body Dysphoria), Disordered Eating (Fat Shaming) or Risk-taking behavior (alcohol/ drug use or sexual risk-taking). There is no shame in it, and we should never hide or stigmatize mental illness, just like physical illness it is just a part of life and living and it is important for families to get help in order to heal and recover.
During adolescence, it is vital to establish social and emotional habits that are essential for mental well-being. These habits encompass maintaining healthy sleep routines, engaging in regular physical activity, acquiring coping mechanisms, problem-solving abilities, and interpersonal skills, as well as mastering emotional regulation. It is crucial to have protective and nurturing environments within both the family and the broader community.
Various elements influence mental well-being. The greater the number of risk factors adolescents face, the more significant the potential effect on their mental health. Stress-inducing factors during adolescence may include encountering adversity, feeling pressured to fit in with peers, and exploring one's identity. The impact of media and societal gender expectations can worsen the gap between an adolescent's actual experiences and their envisioned future. Additional crucial factors involve the quality of their home environment and relationships with peers. Violence, particularly sexual violence and bullying, strict parenting, and challenging socio-economic circumstances are acknowledged as threats to mental health.
It is crucial to meet the needs of teenagers with mental health issues. Preventing institutionalization and excessive medication is important through early intervention and family support (but also okay if it is necessary and if it cannot be avoided). Instead, prioritize non-pharmacological approaches and ensure that adolescents' rights, as detailed in the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child and other human rights treaties, are upheld. These factors are vital for promoting the mental well-being of our teenagers.
What if my child is different?
Let's face it, the majority of people in our South African multi-ethnic society are able-bodied, neurotypical, heteronormative and cisgender and they never even have to think twice about this, they just fit in with the mainstream norms of the majority of society.
Consider a question like, "When did you first decide to be straight?" will make people think for the first time that maybe it is not a choice (or a moral failing as some believe) and that people are born with neuro-differences, medical-differences, disabilities, and that sexuality and gender is a spectrum and not simply binary. There is a minority of us who have divergent families who differ from the conventional social norm and this may be hard for us as parents to accept in the face of prejudice, social rejection and moral/religious persecution, from once again well-meaning friends and relatives and those closest to us.
The reality is that just because a child grows up with a straight mom and dad (also a family stereotype, of course many different kinds of families exist) doesn't mean they may not grapple and struggle with the values and worldview they grew up with. Some may question their sexual orientation or their gender identity as part of the process of establishing their sense of self, their personal identity and finding their tribe and their place in this world where they are accepted and free to be themselves without fear of judgement, persecution and harm.
Parents with gender non-conforming or LGBTQIA+ children may not know where to turn to for support and where to find a safe person to talk to. Many parents may accept their child’s differences, but are more concerned about the overall well being of their child. Regardless of the stance a parent decides to take on sexual orientation or gender non-conformity, it will affect the child and the child’s relationship with the family. Parents who recognize that they have gender non-conforming children sometimes experience a feeling of loss, shock, denial, anger, and despair. These feelings typically subside as a parent learns more about gender diversity and nonconformity. A clinician may suggest that the parent be attentive, listen, and encourage an environment for the child to explore and express their identified sexual orientation or gender identity.
Most of all, our children need our unconditional love and radical acceptance while they figure out who they are. They need you to be their safe person and their safe space.
Resources for Psycho-Social Wellness
What every parent wants is for their child to be happy and healthy! The reality is, that sometimes they are not, in spite of our best efforts to love and nurture them and to meet their needs. So, firstly, take a deep breath... let go of the blame and the shame and know that you are not alone.
Who do you turn to for help and support when your child is in distress or in crisis? What do you do as a parent when your child is struggling with their mental health, or are questioning their sexual orientation or gender identity?
You are of course very welcome to talk to me, and if I am out of my depth, I will refer you to someone with expertise in the area that you need help with.
See my list of recommended professionals that offers specialist care: Bouquet of Care
There are often no quick fixes but there are definitely help and support on your journey, here are some more resources for you to explore.
For further reading and resources for allies on Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity:
Sexual Orientation is just one piece of who you are. The Trevor Project offers several resources for members and allies of the LGBTQ+ community, including articles about understanding LGBTQ+ identities and guides for coming out and supporting young people attracted to more than one gender.
Gender Identity is a key part of understanding your most authentic self. The Trevor Project offers several resources for members and allies of the LGBTQ community, including articles about understanding gender identity and the gender spectrum and guides for supporting transgender and non-binary young people.
Learn how to help yourself, and others with our suicide prevention resources. The Trevor Project offers suicide prevention guides as well as educational articles covering warning signs and suicide awareness.
You matter. Let’s keep you thriving. The Trevor Project offers several resources supporting the mental health of LGBTQ+ young people, including self-care guides and articles regarding mental wellness.
Source credit
Cherry, Kendra. “Understanding Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development.” Very Well Mind, Dotdash Media, Inc., 2 May 2024, www.verywellmind.com/erik-eriksons-stages-of-psychosocial-development-2795740#citation-1. Accessed 30 Oct. 2024.
“Mental Health of Adolescents.” Who.int, 2024, www.who.int//news-room/fact-sheets/detail/adolescent-mental-health/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwsoe5BhDiARIsAOXVoUuNItvqIZK0Sjtw3Ogu5_uMpPlp4SOfU_im1GzYKer2h5vu40TK_1UaAhISEALw_wcB. Accessed 30 Oct. 2024.
National Disability Services. “Disability Types and Description.” Nds.org.au, 2024, nds.org.au/disability-types-and-description. Accessed 30 Oct. 2024.
The Trevor Project. “Saving Young LGBTQ Lives.” The Trevor Project, 2020, www.thetrevorproject.org/. Accessed 30 Oct. 2024.
Very insightful - thank you!