I have only been diagnosed with Autism at the age of 47 (in 2021), so I have so many years of social masking and internalized ableism to unlearn, back then when I thought I had to “pass” as Neurotypical – I didn’t even know that Neurodivergent was an option. And of course I don’t want to transfer it to my own children, who are both autistic. A lot of my coping strategies and survival tools that I accumulated over the years… just seem wrong and out of place now. It boils down to my core values and belief system, my worldview, basically the whole foundation of my existence has been shaken and uprooted. Existential Angst anyone?
It’s just so very baffling and hard to figure out if people are toxic and harmful or just ignorant? How do I protect myself and guard my heart and teach my children to do the same?
How do I know if it’s just the many years of autistic trauma caused by the constant gaslighting, ableism and invalidation of my feelings and existence from NT people (that a lot of ND people are suffering and/or recovering from). Where their treatment of me is not due to Narcissism/ NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) but just the way that most NT people treat ND people.
Also coincidentally the exact definition of gaslighting, “Gaslighting is a colloquialism, loosely defined as making someone question their own reality. The term may also be used to describe a person who presents a false narrative to another group or person which leads them to doubt their perceptions and become misled, disoriented or distressed.” (Wikipedia).
I guess it’s because autistic people tend to take other people at face value, we take the things people do and say literally. We are extremely honest and straight forward in relationships and often naively expect others to treat us the same. We are also often not even aware that we are used or manipulated since we already struggle with just the normal range of social nuances in relationships. For those of us who are empaths, our intense affective empathy can make us easy prey for these narcissistic social con artists.
But then again we also seem to have a sixth sense and zero tolerance for lies and deception. We abhor cruelty and affectation (false affection) in others. We are not always so easily duped. Especially after we have caught the Narcissist in yet another lie and once our trust is broken… they better expect the door slam!
Is it even strange that most autistic people struggle with social anxiety?
Or do I just need to accept that this is our reality? That disabled people (including the invisible disabilities like Neurodivergency) are vulnerable to misunderstanding, mistreatment and even abuse. That we need to find ways to protect ourselves, to be resilient, to train ourselves to spot toxic people and situations and rather surround ourselves with people who are truly accepting, kind, loving and non-ableist. It’s just so sad… do I really have to teach my children to be less naïve, open and trusting? It is so hard to accept this as our reality.
Forewarned is forearmed… so I compiled the following information (sources listed at the end) just in case someone else out there is also struggling with this.
Strangely enough Autism is sometimes confused with Narcissism, but as you will see they are actually polar opposites. That’s just a dagger in my heart… like really… how can people even confuse the two?
Autism is often confused with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
The reason for this confusion is understandable since some of the symptoms found in people with Autism are also found in those with NPD. Some of the similarities between Autism and NPD may include the following:
☆apparent lack of empathy ☆difficulty understanding others’ feelings ☆eccentric personality ☆harsh interpersonal communication ☆inability to view the world from the perspective of others ☆lack of demonstrated non-verbal cues and inability to pick-up on the non-verbal cues of others ☆lack of interest in others ☆lack of psychological awareness ☆narrow range of interests and activities ☆obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges ☆preoccupation with their own agenda ☆problems in sustaining satisfying relationships ☆self-centeredness ☆similar eye-to-eye gaze, body stance, and facial expressions ☆tendency to react to social problems/stress with depression ☆underdeveloped conversational skills
Despite the similarities listed above, the difference between Autism and NPD is vast, like night and day. Here are a few examples of the dissimilarities:
1. The Autistic wants a good and happy life – not just for himself, but for everyone. He would rather “fit-in” with his peer-group (or simply be left alone) rather than be the “boss” or the “leader” – even if he is the brightest student in the class. The Narcissist (i.e., person with NPD), however, wants a good and happy life only for himself (or the individuals he includes in his inner circle). He wants to be in control and doesn’t care who he has to hurt to get control. He will do anything he can to be in charge of the people around them (without being noticed as a “control freak”).
2. The Autistic typically pays little attention to the body language of others – and would have great difficulty reading it even if he tried. The Narcissist pays close attention to others’ body language – looking for signs that they may be weak or vulnerable – and then seizes the opportunity to exploit them for his own gains.
3. The Autistic typically does not have any hidden agenda toward others. But, the Narcissist lives and breathes hidden agenda, as any good con man would.
4. The Autistic simply wants to be treated with normal consideration and respect, but he often receives much less respect than he deserves due to his social skills deficits, quirkiness, and lack of desire to appear “cool” in the eyes of others. On the contrary, the Narcissist typically receives way more respect than he deserves since he is great at presenting himself as the smartest, coolest person on the block. He discards and devalues others in order to make himself look better.
5. The Autistic often appears selfish, uncaring and insensitive due to the fact that he tends to live in his “own little world,” often minding his own business to a fault. The individual with NPD often appears selfish, uncaring and insensitive BECAUSE HE IS.
6. The Autistic is unlikely to obey the hidden rules of conversation (e.g., unable to read or exhibit non-verbal language, may ramble on about a special interest even when the listener has stopped paying attention, may not allow others to speak in turn, interrupts the speaker on a whim, etc.). On the other hand, the Narcissist pays very close attention to the rules of conversation and is highly verbal, using language as a manipulative tool to get his ego fed.
7. The Autistic wants marriage, children, friends and social acceptance, but is fairly clueless about how to go about procuring these things. As a result, he may develop a fear of rejection – and even choose a solitary lifestyle. Conversely, the Narcissist has the ability to switch between social responsiveness and social disengagement. He is not interested in relationships with certain people, because he views them as unworthy or inferior. However, if he can take advantage of someone for his own gains, he will easily and immediately regain his social skills and charm.
8. Autistics don’t exploit Narcissists. However, Narcissists do exploit Autistic people. In fact, the Autistic is often the Narcissist favorite target!
9. The Autistic experiences developmental delays, whereas the Narcissist experiences personality flaws.
10. The Autistic is rather naïve and innocent, while the Narcissist is rather cunning and guilty.
Analogically, the Autistic is focused on his widget of interest, how it is made, what else it can be used for, comparing and contrasting similar widgets, how to make a better widget, how the widget can be used to help others – and wants to tell others ALL about his widget. The Narcissist, on the other hand, is focused on getting viewed by others as a “widget-creator” (whether he is or not), getting credit for building the best widget and being THE expert in widget creation, and how the widget can be used to make a lot of money and further his own agenda.
In a nutshell, the Narcissist is a person who is excessively preoccupied with power, prestige and vanity – and is unable to see the destructive damage he causes as he steps over and on people to reach his selfish goals. He has exaggerated feelings of self-importance, a strong need for admiration, a huge sense of entitlement, and demonstrates grandiosity in his behavior and beliefs. Those of us who have been around narcissistic people for any length of time know that these traits seem almost polar opposites compared to those associated Autism.
THE EMPATH & THE NARCISSIST
The relationship between a narcissist and an empath is one-sided, where one is the giver and the other takes as much as they can, thus leaving the other dry. Much like a parasitic relationship, the empath in the relationship wants to help the other and provide a source of support and love to the narcissist, who thrives on this type of attention.
Given the manipulative and selfish tendencies of the narcissist, they end up driving the relationship and holding control of the relationship over the empath.
What Is an Empath?
Empaths are attuned to others’ emotions and sensitive to feelings of other people. They tend to prioritize the needs of others ahead of their own and give without being asked. They feel deeply and feel good about helping others so much so that they can absorb others’ emotions. Empaths tend to be overflowing with compassion for other people.
Why Are Empaths & Narcissists Attracted to Each Other?
Given their great amount of compassion, the empath is prone to absorbing the emotions and energy of others. When they meet a narcissist, the energy they sense triggers something in them that ignites their need to comfort the narcissist, beginning the cycle of narcissistic supply.
Usually, the empath believes (often subconsciously) they can heal and help the narcissist, so they pour themselves into showing the narcissist their worth, but the narcissist never will see it. The narcissist in this position will take advantage of the empath and see their compassion as weakness.
The attraction between the two is profoundly due to their complementary desires, unhealthy as it may be to seek attention and validation from one another. These are likely to become more problematic if the empath has a tendency to be more codependent in relationships.
The narcissist is able to keep the empath in a cycle of emotional or physical abuse and continue to demoralize the empath and use them as the scapegoat for their own dysfunctional feelings. Empaths tend to internalize feelings and accept blame. The narcissist then portrays themself as the victim when in fact the empath is the true victim.
The only option an empath has here is to decide whether they want to continue to be in a relationship with a narcissist or take themselves out of the equation so the narcissist has to take ownership of their own feelings. If the former, it’s likely that the empath has formed a trauma bond with the narcissist, which can be hard to break out of or even recognize.
If the latter, the narcissists will discard the empath instantaneously—adding insult to injury for the empath. The narcissist will be quick to find another victim so they can continue to get their narcissistic supply.
THE NARCISSIST
What is Narcissism?
Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
Symptoms
Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and the severity of symptoms vary. People with the disorder can:
○Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance. ○Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration. ○Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it. ○Exaggerate achievements and talents. ○Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate. ○Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people. ○Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior. ○Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations. ○Take advantage of others to get what they want. ○Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others. ○Be envious of others and believe others envy them. ○Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious. ○Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office.
At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:
○Become impatient or angry when they don’t receive special treatment. ○Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted. ○React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior. ○Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior. ○Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change. ○Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection. ○Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation.
It’s important to note that narcissism is a trait, but it can also be a part of a larger personality disorder. Not every narcissist has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), as narcissism is a spectrum. People who are at the highest end of the spectrum are those that are classified as NPD, but others, still with narcissistic traits, may fall on the lower end of the narcissistic spectrum.
9 Signs and Symptoms of Narcissism
Symptoms – called core features – of narcissistic personality disorder (narcissism) include:
1. Grandiosity ○Exaggerated sense of self-importance. ○Feeling superior to others and that one deserves special treatment. ○Feelings are often accompanied by fantasies of unlimited success, brilliance, power, beauty, or love.
2. Excessive need for admiration ○Must be the center of attention. ○Often monopolize conversations. ○Patients feel slighted, mistreated, depleted, and enraged when ignored.
3. Superficial and exploitative relationships ○Relationships are based on surface attributes and not the unique qualities of others. ○People are only valued only to the extent they are viewed as beneficial.
4. Lack of empathy ○Severely limited or totally lacking ability to care about the emotional needs or experiences of others, even loved ones.
5. Identity disturbance ○Sense of self is highly superficial, extremely rigid, and often fragile. ○Self-stability depends on maintaining the view that one is exceptional. ○Grandiose sense of self is easily threatened. ○Patients retreat from or deny realities that challenge grandiosity
6. Difficulty with attachment and dependency ○Relies on feedback from the environment. ○Relationships only exist to shore up positive self-image. ○Interactions are superficial. ○Intimacy is avoided.
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom ○When attention and praise are not available, patients feel empty, bored, depressed, or restless.
8. Vulnerability to life transitions ○Difficulty maintaining reality-based personal and professional goals over time. ○Compromises required by school, jobs, and relationships may feel unbearable. ○Young adults may have a “failure to launch”.
9. Narcissistic personality disorder is also a significant risk factor for suicide and suicidal attempts.
How Is Narcissism Diagnosed?
Narcissistic personality disorder (narcissism) is diagnosed using The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) criteria. A person must meet five of nine of the following traits for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.
1. A grandiose sense of self-importance. 2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. 3. Belief that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions. 4. Requires excessive admiration. 5. Has a sense of entitlement. 6. Is interpersonally exploitative – takes advantage of others. 7. Lacks empathy. 8. Envies others or believes others are envious of him or her. 9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes
Sourced from:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662 https://www.myaspergerschild.com/2015/05/is-it-aspergers-or-narcissism-or-both.html?m=1 on 1.01.2022
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